When I tell you I hate being here, like hate is not a strong enough word! How did I get here? What is the stage in my life where I am just so unhappy? Is it real or is it just the depression creeping its way back in? I have no motivation, no drive to do the things I find myself doing day in and day out. Then my energy is drained and I barely want to spend time with my family, the people I do care about and want to be around. How did I get here?
I try to tell myself be thankful that I have a job but some days, I just don’t care. Its not enough. Take a deep breath and think about the things you are grateful for. Well, that last about 3 minutes and I am right back to the disgust I have for my life…the life I created! I have no one to blame but myself. Then I feel this pressure to perform because there are people who helped me get here and I cannot let them down or make them look like bad decision makers for believing in me. I’m just so unhappy and I really don’t know what it will take to make me happy. I cannot quit my job because then I will be stressed about financing my lifestyle and supporting my family. Drop everything and start over…what does that even mean when I am so insecure and lacking confidence that I don’t know what I would go out and do anyway?
How did I get here?
I really feel like I want to roll up in a corner and die because I feel I have nothing to contribute to my own life. Everything about me is driven or motivated by the thoughts, ideals, or successes of another person and that makes me feel worthless because there is nothing about my life that I truly like that is really mine. I know it sounds selfish, especially when I have a husband and a son but even then, everything I am doing to be “successful” is for them and I hate what I am doing to be “successful”. I want a purpose, I want to be good at my purpose, I want to be happy in my purpose, and I want to get paid for my purpose. Until I find what that is, I will continue to feel this way.