The feeling of insecurity has hit me like a wave and I have definitely been consumed by the pressure. Lately, I have had no confidence…NONE! I don’t feel like I know what I am doing at work, I feel like I am a lousy mom, I feel like I let my husband down by not being domestic enough. I am a mediocre simpleton with a damn master’s degree but it means nothing if I cannot express myself like the educated person I am “supposed” to be.
Work especially! I go there every day and I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t open my mouth for fear of looking stupid and when I do, I instantly regret it. The looks I get, it’s like they feel sorry for me for being so stupid. As a black woman in a largely white male dominated field, I feel pressure to do better and be better. Then for the women I do work with, I can’t be the one to make us look bad, I can’t be the one to let us down….I’m out of my league there! I’m not an engineer and I am a contractor so I am afraid to push back or be confrontational. I really hate going to work. I get there and all I want to do is hide because I fear being exposed as a fraud. I’ve been doing safety for ten years and was able to convince people I knew what I was doing but for some reason, lately, I have not been successful at demonstrating that.
I am failing and I feel like a failure.
I just want to feel good about something, I want to be good AT something. I have no talent, no skills, I’m basic as fuck! I try so hard not to be “basic” but I cannot seem to find what it is within myself that isn’t basic. Makes me wonder why I even try at all. I just wish I could be better. Have a better memory, perform better at home, had a skill I could use that makes me money, something! Right now, I don’t see anything in myself that makes me different, special, or extraordinary and it makes me so sad, really really sad.