Actually, depression has been winning lately. Lets start with the physical aspects, I am TIRED! I constantly have a headache and I just feel heavy. Like I can barely move my body some days because of the load of depression is physically difficult to carry. I just want to sleep, crawl up in a hole and sleep.
Emotionally, I am a wreck! I have no joy in anything. I went on a trip for a few days and that helped a little because I had no responsibilities to concern myself with. However, when I returned home, that shit hit like a knockout punch! The term people use now is “adulting”. I am so tired of being responsible for someone else. Particularly my husband and my son right now. I don’t have to think hard to find something in my life to complain about. I use the word complain because I know I am blessed to have the things I have. My family, the opportunities I have, the potential for my future is so bright, and obviously it takes work to be successful. But this “work” makes me extremely resentful and it is becoming increasingly harder and harder to cope.
All I can think or feel, right now, is that everyone in my life is using me and if I were to stop the “work”, they would be so disappointed because I gave up on the things that ultimately benefit them. None of this benefits me because deep down inside I don’t want to do it anyway, its not what makes me happy. This false sense of success I keep chasing is doing nothing but wearying me out and making me resentful of the people around me. And what is painfully clear is that I did it to myself!
This is the world I created and I hate it! The realization that I have been wrong about so much. Things that are critically important to the success or failure of others, now. Not just me because I have made sure to connect myself to people who rely on me. I mean, I had a child! A person who did not ask to be here and if I up and leave or just give up, his life will surely suffer! Why is that not motivation enough for me to pull it the fuck together?!
Lord Jesus, HELP! Why can’t I just be satisfied and happy with what I do have. Of course it is not perfect but it is a whole lot better than what a lot of people have. At the end of the day, I just feel ungrateful and that is a lousy feeling. When I go to find “gratefulness” I am reminded of the “work”, then the “work” wears me down and I become tired.
Sometimes I can fight through, sometimes I cannot. Today, this week, this month, I cannot. Depression has been winning and will continue to win if something doesn’t change.