Today, per usual, I am consumed in negativity. In my attempt to fight the negative vibes, I went to the gym hoping to initiate a flight or fight response with my stresses. I read that cardio initiates the flight response therefore tricking the mind and body into thinking you are responding to the release of stress hormones. And strength training or boxing will initiate the flight response again tricking your body into thinking your responding to the stress. Flight flight flight on the treadmill. Run run run away from this madness! Instead I find myself loathing. Sad while reflecting upon the things that have brought me stress and disappointment. Life is a series of heartbreaks and disappointments. One after another. At different levels of severity but striking nonetheless. When a person is on a treadmill, listening to gospel music, typing out their emotions with tears in their eyes, it may be safe to conclude that is a sad person.
All I want to do is be normal! I don’t want to feel so bad about everything. I’m talking about the great things that are going on in my life too! I am married and I really enjoy my husband but I still manage to find something to complain or be upset about. I have a pretty good job and I am relatively safe there. But, I report to work everyday with anxiety, wondering what is going to go wrong in the day. I have the ability to go to the gym to try to work out my frustrations, no relief. I go home and have an adorable little boy greeting me at the door. Still, his smile isn’t enough to maintain a consistent level of “happiness”.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE!!!
I turn to the word of God and I feel better for about ten minutes then I start thinking about my realities again. I come here to vent and blog it out. As I read my statements, I just feel pathetic and weak. I just, I just want to feel happy and genuinely be happy, not fake happy. Trying to keep my depression in a manageable state so people don’t start to worry about me. So they don’t see the the facade I have built is not real. I want to be the person I am trying to build. I want her to be true. I want her to be real. I want it so bad but it is so amazingly hard.