The World I Created Is Coming Against Me

So, today was terrible. Like really bad. Maybe not one of the worst days but pretty high up there. It’s extremely frustrating to feel like you are the only one who has sense. Like, you’re pleading a case that is truthful and grounded in common sense but somehow you are still wrong. I don’t know why I let the opinions of fools get to me. I guess in this case it is because they are fools in high places. Which still shouldn’t mean anything but it does. I have to work with these assholes and if the future is anything like today. I pretty much have to go along with their ridiculous nonsense. I feel stupid for doing what is right! What I know is right! I wish I didn’t care so much.

Then I had to go to school tonight. My head is about to explode with all the work I have to get done. And it doesn’t help that in one of my classes I am grouped with a complete asshole! This woman is dumb and I hate to say that about another woman but she has been nothing but difficult to work with this entire semester! It’s a never ending rotation of “do more” “do this” “well you didn’t do that”. This is too much and I want to lay down and give up.

Then when I get home all I wanted to do was be with my family. But they weren’t there for me tonight. I mean obviously there is only so much my 8 month old can do. Especially since I didn’t get home until 9 which is completely pass his bed time. The fact that he was even awake was a small blessing and to see his face made everything better for that brief moment but he had to go to bed. Poor baby, he doesn’t know his mama is so needy. But then there was my husband…

I wanted to tell him about my day. As I began to talk, and bring up points that I had told him about in the past that was relevant to what happened today at work (after his admission to not remembering what I was talking about) I noticed his eyes follow the hockey game on the television. I quit talking to him. My husband, trying to re-engage in the conversation comes to the kitchen, I tried again to talk to him about my day. Standing over the sink I began to clean out a cup I used in the morning, he was drinking his protein shake but then he starts rinses the blender blade over the cup I was cleaning contaminating the cup all over again. I was so perplexed by his blatant disregard for what I was doing (cleaning the cup), I just walked out the kitchen. My mind couldn’t stop racing enough to formulate the words I wanted to say to him. Which is probably good because that action pissed me off so good I instantly made him a part of the ass clown brigade I had dealt with at work and at school.

So now I’m sitting here, wanting to cry but not allowing myself because that makes me feel weak and feel like the clowns have won their strike against my confidence and security. I feel lonely with my insecure, fanatical thoughts about today’s events. I feel angry and tired, beat up by my world. The world I am ultimately responsible for because I created these thing. I pursued that job, I enrolled in school, I did this to myself.

The things most others would see as accomplishments are really fucking me up right now. I can’t see pass the negative with the mind space I am in. God, I want to give up so bad! I am busting my ass and I don’t see the benefit, the purpose, or the point. All I can do right now is pray for an end to the foolery and fuckery and that I can maintain enough control to not fall apart. DO NOT FALL APART!!!