Insecurity Rant

So last week I had one of my grad school classes. I was a little on edge because I knew we had a quiz and I have severe test anxiety. Even when I study and study and pretty much know the material, that little hater called “doubt” creeps into my mind and I start psyching myself out and over thinking things. I do that A LOT!! Even now, I’m over thinking about that run on sentence I just typed. Anyway…I get into my head way too much and I have made this class more intense than it has to be. I took the quiz, missed two (80%), but I I’ll take it because we have many more.

Towards the end of class, the professor allows the students to get in our previously designated groups (I’ll get into how I loathe group work later) to discuss the first phase of a four phase paper we have to put together at the conclusion of the class. Our final in other words. I sit down with my group. The “guy” had made it blazingly clear he doesn’t want to be in this group. I don’t think it is anything personal towards me or the other woman, I just think he hates being in groups just as much as I do. The “girl”…oh my God, where do I start! She is an older women mostly likely in her late 30’s early 40’s. She wears this tan and brown fake fur coat. Not quite as tacky as cheetah but still just cheap looking enough to make you aware she purchased it at someone’s garage sale. She wears eyeglass fames circa “Saturday Night Fever”, and she always…ALWAYS…has something to say. We were in class discussing the outline for the paper we have to write. Merely discussing the approach. She goes off into left field about welfare and how much it cost, and who really is to blame, she can’t believe the government did this, she can’t believe the government did that, blah blah blah. I get it, she’s passionate about the subject, but the task was to discuss the outline for the paper and what parts we each were going to take. Not to solve this countries problems in the 15 minutes we had left in class! She is one of those people who like to hear themselves talk, for sure! I know that sounds very judgmental and petty but I cannot stand people that can’t stay on the subject and venture off into left field unguided.

Huhhhhh, that was hateful. I get that way when I am angry and irritated. Truth is, I’m not mad at her, even though she works my nerve to the fullest. I am insecure about this class we’re in. Everyone seems so well versed (except for her) in the subject matter. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there feverishly trying to write down every word that is said so I can figure out what they are talking about. I pause before contributing to the discussions because I don’t want to sound stupid. I feel like as a minority we have to be careful with what we blurt out so that we don’t sound like the ignorant stereotypes our Caucasian counterparts are used to seeing. When I do have questions, I email the professor later. For some reason, I am not as embarrassed to ask him questions via internet. I guess because it is so impersonal. I’m sure he get’s a ton of emails so it makes me feel better to believe  he is less likely to remember how dumb my question was after he has answered a few dozen from other students.

Needless to say, I am worried about how I am going to perform in this class but you may have picked that up when I started talking about my test anxiety at the beginning of this rant. I need a drink!