It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I could say, “I’ve been busy”. But, I’m always fucking busy. Busy, busy, busy with shit to show for it. Nothing to show for it. Wait! I have something to show…disappointment, fatigue, sadness, depression…I can show you I’ve been defeated. Some things I fear, daily, and they never happen. It’s those things that I didn’t expect that have left me paralyzed. I have learned only that I am not as strong, compassionate or reasonable as I thought I was. When a revelation comes, it doesn’t just expose the person who was the target, it exposes those around the situation. Me. I have been exposed to myself and I am hurt and disappointed.
Why? Because my world has always been dysfunctional. Evidence upon evidence upon evidence. Still, I wanted to believe I had support. Not great support, not perfect support but it was there. This is the lie I told myself. There was never any example that I was supported. Just words. I needed those words to be true so I made them true in my mind with no proof. Held on to the lie so I could make it through. I needed it to be true in order to make it. Make it.
I was in a fight. I always knew that. What I didn’t know was what I was fighting. Fighting. I wanted to support through my fight. So, I didn’t feel so alone, you know? But I am…alone. Always has been. But I needed to feel support through my fight. So I could make it. I lied…to myself. Alone. I fight alone. These recent battles I have lost. And I look for evidence that maybe I have won at some point. Maybe I have grown somewhere. Maybe I made a dent in the barriers that hold me back. A year later and nothing has changed.
A lot of busy, a lot of movement, a lot of work. Nothing has changed. Wait. No, something has changed. I stopped lying to myself because really, nothing has changed.